It’s like damn, where do I even begin?
Maybe I shouldn’t at all but I got this feeling within
Not a gut-feeling but a gutted feeling
Either way, here’s my way of dealing with it
Yeah, I think it’s time that I address shit
Try to get shit off my mind and chest, shit
And since we spent so much time on Netflix
Let me take you back to the night we met
It’s 2007, cold day in December
We got introduced, to this day I remember
What you were wearing, where you were standing
I remember everything, how could I ever forget it?
That was the first time I caught your attention
The first time you noticed my presence
I was hopelessly in love before you noticed me
Prayed rosaries, I was already breathless
Both part of a scene, one that I would quit
Cause it’s ugly as a sight can get
Except for you of course, you were beautiful
Like a flower growing out of a pile of shit, yeah
And now you knew my name
But could I be with you? No Way
I was cool with you and I was cool with him
So was it cool? “Sure, it’s cool, no thing”
Yeah, right. But you and I connected
Got along and started spending time together
You were now in my reach but way outta my league
But I learned to love you like a friend would
Plus I’m not the type of guy who would dare to hit
On a girl who’s in a relationship
Looking back I wouldn’t change a thing
Sometimes the right thing to do is to take a hit
And I’m not gonna lie, at times it hurt, that is true
But overall we worked as a crew
With you I shared both the best and worst of my youth
From almost turning on to always returning to you
I slept on your couch, you cried on my shoulder
When you were drunk and hurt and I was still sober
At daybreak, praying that the night wasn’t over
Spent Sundays doing nothing, eating fries on your sofa
Watched TV till you had to go back to bed and
If you didn’t kick me out I would’ve never left, damn
You were my homegirl, I was your best friend
You prolly shoulda told me that back then
Cause as the years passed I started missing that feeling
Guess you were mad that I was quitting the scene and
I guess you were scared that I was willing to leave ya
But I was never thinking of leaving
You were beginning to seem a little bitter to me
Seemed far more bitter than sweet
I had to change, it was time to, I was right to
I did it not to spite you, I did it for me
But you didn’t believe that shit had to change
You only criticized decisions I made
You were slipping away, what I was aiming at
Would make you laugh, so I hid it away
But I mean come on, you were changing as well
Around that time your relationship ended
We could have already been dating back then
But I waited instead
I don’t know, maybe I had moved on
Maybe I just didn’t have the balls
I don’t know, maybe I just needed you as a friend
But you weren’t there, and that’s for sure
Cause when I started getting my life together
We spent less and less time together
You’d disagree but it wasn’t cause of me
It was you having no understanding for my endeavors
Felt abandoned, you were lacking belief
Instead of backing me you would crap on my dreams
You called me a sellout, I told you “Get the hell out
of my life if you can’t be happy for me!”
But let me set this straight
I never wanted our friendship to end this way
ButI cut my losses and lost ya
As we both went our separate ways
That was the first time I thought that was it
I’d never see you again and I was comfortable with
The thought of no longer having you in my life
To pull me down into the fucking abyss
I was done with you mocking me and
Done with all the other things you’ve done to me
I was done with you, you were done with me, great
And then I got that e-mail
The one “from a female haven’t seen her in years”
The one I “thought about deleting, now I’m reading it weird”
Your e-mail, asking me for a meeting
First I didn’t even believe it was real
Plus, honestly, I was still hella mad
But then I thought everyone deserves a second chance
So I decided to text you back
You know, about the wheres and whens
You know I’m stubborn, it took a lot for me to do this
Felt like I really didn’t need to do this
“So you still mean to do this?”
Then for months I didn’t hear from you
Till you hit me up, “Yeah, I still mean to do this”
Followed by some cheap excuses
Do you even know how shitty it is?
To wanna make amends then claim to be busy and shit?

The fuck outta here! I don’t need to listen to this
You must think that I’m an idiot, bitch
So you were busy for four months? Don’t you lie to me
For two months even too busy to reply to me?
Was right about you all along, I was right to leave
Why hit me up when you don’t even have the time for me?
When I then told you to go fuck yourself
I considered it the final goodbye from me

You got the rage but actually I was hurting
This time you didn’t even let me down in person
I would’ve been so happy had it worked
You tried to fix shit but in fact you made it worse and worse

From then on, I didn’t give a shit about you
And looking back on how my life has been without you
Tough, you know it’s true but it wasn’t cause of you
We were through, I didn’t miss or even think about you
Me, I was committed to getting
My degree and doing all of the shit that came with it
Like internships, I wasn’t interested in ‘em
I was this for bills and they were giving me nickels
Two jobs, no sun, in the middle of winter
Dealing the pressure, I was feeling like shit
To give a picture of how much it sucked at the time
I agreed to hit the club with the guys
We got there early, no line, we were first
And what happened next was kind of a blur
We just got in, still standing at the entrance
You and your friends would be the next to enter
I don’t think I’ve ever been surprised like this
Talk about a blind-side hit
You caught me so off guard, I can barely recall
Thinking anything but “Hell, this is awkward”
We exchanged the unfriendliest of Hi’s
Swear you coulda cut the tension with a knife
Simona said something stupid as she usually does
And then ended up dragging you outside
Don’t know what I was thinking, didn’t know what to do
I was acting on instinct, started talking to you
I was nervous as hell but also awfully loose
Asked what you been up to, you were walking me through
Your last couple of years, then cut to the chase
Opened up to me and started explaining
The reason why our meeting never happened
You were going through some tough times and I could relate
To me this settled everything
Opening up to me was something that you never did
Believe me I knew this wasn’t easy for you
It meant a lot to me, enough to get the hatchet and then bury it
“So you still mean to do this?” I nodded
Gave you my number but the curious part was
When you gave me yours, I still knew it by heart
What the fuck? Already kinda knew what was up
We exchanged numbers then messages
Didn’t take long till we met again
And had a talk over some beverages
It didn’t take long till my head would spin
See usually I’m awfully hesitant
Usually it takes me a long time to settle in
But it didn’t take long till I had to realize
You were back in my life, altering everything
Didn’t take long till we slept together
Spent a fucking fortnight in bed together
Was living wet dreams that I had as a teen
No for real, I’ve been dreaming of that forever
Used to think of you jerking off in the shower
Now a decade later, you’d ride my cock for an hour
It was surreal to me that goddess, I plowed her
You must think the worst of me, the way I’m talking about it
I’m not like those guys, I told you a thousand times before
It’s your thoughts that arouse me
It’s how you’re talking profoundly
It’s how every time I see you there’s a calmness around me
You saw my flaws and not only did you accept ‘em
You were the first one to love me for who I am
The first one to not only see my potential
Around you I could always be my true self
We could talk all night, no awkward silence
Not a single time where I would roll my eyes and
You went from being cold as ice
To heart-warming, heart warmer than a bowl of rice
I wasn’t sure about dating you but rolled the dice
I wasn’t gonna miss my moment twice
We weren’t kids no more, both did some growing
And we’ve grown to be so alike
And ain’t it oh so fucking funny?
I told you we were done and closed the door
And then, after dating for about a month
I was the one who wanted more
I was committed, you were hesitating
We were smitten but you kept me waiting
Came back from Milan, you set me on a bench
And said you were no longer having reservations
So we hit the ground running
Butterflies and all that shit in our stomachs
You never gave a shit about dollars
As long as I would carry your pic in my wallet
I loved you but couldn’t get myself to say it
I know you felt the exact same f’n way
It’s hard to trust when your ass has been betrayed
Everytime you opened up, so I kept that shit at bay
Yeah, I chose to keep it inside
But you chose to keep on surprising me
When you wrote me that letter for Christmas
You brought tears to my eyes
Eyes glassy but I kept on reading
The most beautiful words ever said to me
No shit, was even tearing up writing these lines
That’s how much it meant to me
The same night we had a fight about nothing at all
The day after we would not even talk
Did we take the next step, just to stumble and fall?
Well it can’t be that bad since we got it resolved, right?
Well I thought it was nothing
But actually it was a sign of things to come
Cause after every highlight there’d be trouble
Went from “I will always love you” to “I don’t give a fuck”
Climbed mountains just to slide into the gutter
A rollercoaster ride that wouldn’t stop
At top we’d find a reason to fight with one another
At the bottom we would always try to get back up
And we did, honey, I always cared, please
Tell me why’s it gotta be so intense? See
I have never felt loved in my life
Until you showed up and constantly overwhelmed me

Constantly overwhelmed, I was constantly so compelled to
Deal with situations I’d hardly know how to handle
No consistency, volatile, all the panic
The only constant were constant misunderstandings
No rest, I was constantly overtaxed
You were constantly so demanding, was constantly there to help
Needed help myself, but couldn’t help myself
So I turned to you, we were toxically codependent
Always asking for what the other couldn’t provide
Think of all the things we coulda done right
But instead of just enjoying all the good in lives
We were too busy permanently putting out fires
When you were sad, you needed me more than ever
But then you said that clearly I wasn’t there
Which made me mad, I was there for you every second
So why the hell would you feel like I didn’t care?
I shoulda kept it all reasonable, level-headed
But felt offended, your treatment was so unfair
By then I’d said something mean to you I regretted
But you will never be pleased or just feel content
Your expectations too high though to ever live up to
How much more of my time will I have to give up to
Make you finally buy that I actually love you
Never get enough, well fine, then I have to say “Fuck you!”

I’m sorry, yeah that’s what I would say
After saying something that wasn’t okay
I bottled up frustration, that was a mistake
But I was breaking under all of your false accusations

You tried to guilt trip me into thinking
That I did nothing while seeing you sink
And it worked like a charm, I was dealing with guilt
But was I really such a beast? I mean think
When you went through hard times, who was there for you?
In all those dark nights, who took care of you?
Was not prepared to do this, but did it all outta love, right
I thought I would fucking marry you
Every time you fell I was helping you up
I did my best to take care of your problems
I did everything I could but it was never enough
I hope one day you will see what you were having in us
But you’ll prolly continue to surround yourself with yes-people
You kept around cause they’re bound to say exactly
What you want to hear, that it’s all on me
Cause that’s the only version you allow to be expressed
See I’m not without guilt, I see that fucked up
So many times and I’m still feeling so sorry
I had doubts as well, I been grieving a lot
But I never stopped believing in us
Yet like Oakland is gonna leave the raiders in the past
You chose to move on and Pete Davidsoned my ass
We’ve been through so much in the shortest time
So the abrupt ending shoulda come as no surprise
Well it did to me, I knew shit wasn’t great
ButI didn’t think you’d be losing all your faith
And I still can’t believe that you threw it all away
I thought I found the one and was through with all the pain
Of heartbreaks, heartaches, it’s over again
Really thought we’d manage to turn the corner again
We fold and we bend, we never break
But the breakup was like every other moment intense
Everything was going so fast
I had tough time keeping my emotions in check
So I stormed out the door when you said it
Ripped my heart out and tore it in half
You left me empty as a fucking ghost
Starring at the ceiling, all numb and cold
Can’t help but go through photos of us and old letters
Listening to Juice Wrld and Nothing.Nowhere
Yeah you don’t have to bother dealing with that
Since it’s the one being left who has to clean up the mess
And it’s messy as I walk bare feet in the shambles
Of everything that was and will never be back
You’re prolly hitting the clubs, smoke drink and do speed
As I’m getting to gloves, trying to pick up the pieces
I’m giving you up but it isn’t so easy
I’m still giving a fuck so I don’t get enough sleep, yeah

I hope you can’t sleep either
And if you do I hope you suffer from the same bad dreams
I hope you feel the same as me
Going through the same process of pain and grief
I hope you feel ashamed and will regret it
You can try to forget my face and think you’re clever
Sure you can hide, keep your mind occupied
But you can’t run away from this forever
So go ahead, avoid it, lie to yourself
But partying won’t fill the void inside you
The liquor isn’t gonna poise your mind
Your high will fade like the noise and lights do

When the party’s over and you’re walking home
Enter the door and realize you’re all alone
That’s when it hits you like a punch in the face
There’s no more running away, you’re on your own

And when you’re standing in your shabby apartment
You’re gonna realize that you’re empty as fuck
Self-centered but depending on others
Cause you’re too weak to ever help yourself up
You’re still the little girl craving for love
And you had it, stupid, but you gave it all up
Bitch, nevermind you’ll find someone like me again
That’s a fact, not just me taking a shot
Fuck! You look happy on pictures
But the woman in the mirror, yeah I bet she looks different
Around your friends you are acting indifferent
But when you’re by yourself your mask is cracking to bits, cause

When no one’s by your side, you’re a different you
When everything is quiet you’re miserable
And there is nothing quite as quiet as your room right now
And I hope the silence is killing you
As you face your thoughts, I hope it breaks your heart
I hope you shake and crumble under the weight of us
Hope my face will haunt you, cause you pain and sorrow
Knowing you’ll never able to regain what’s lost

Love

I hope you suffer cause the thought of you’s still crushing my soul
Cause you been fucking me over, leaving nothing holes
But honestly most of all I want you to suffer
Well, cause I don’t wanna suffer alone
Man, I don’t wanna be alone period
I’m heavy-hearted, heart heavy as a pyramid
They say the ones you love most hurt you the worst
Used to love, now I’m hurt and I don’t know deal with it
I’ll never find the words to convey
How much I’m hurt by the pain
Of letting go as Ithought we’re so alike
But we’re so alike in the worst kind of way
I guess two people starving for love
Is a recipe for hearts to be broken
Now we both have some scars that reopened
And I guess you deserve to heal as much as me, so
No matter how much I wish you were dead
Part of me will always wish you the best
Hope you’ll find happiness and that you’ll laugh again
Hope you’ll find love and wish that it lasts

But I’ll tell you right now just in case
That’ll happen, please don’t tell me about it, ok?